But if you’re interested in sheltering your child, there’s an equally lavish smorgasbord of parental control and net nannying tools at your disposal.

The logical route for today’s concerned, yet lazy, parent, is to shell out hundreds of bucks for some off-the-shelf piece of software that they can install on their kid’s computer.

Note, this is slightly changed from the original version that I received! )_______________________________ ________________________________Mother’s Signature Father’s Signature_______________________________ ________________________________Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman In the boxes below, please provide Finger Prints, inked in your own blood for Homeland Security Identity Checking and DNA sampling: Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved.

Below is the text from the form, however, I have created a PDF version of it that is probably more useful. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can’t, and it would cause you injury).

Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget.

If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating.

My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge.

Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a ‘Barrier method’ of some kind can kill you.

Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Do you have an earring, nose ring, pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?

If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________In 50 words or less, what does ‘ABSTINENCE’ mean to you? If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:______________________________________________________________C.